On hour three of what ended up being a nearly clock-round executive committee meeting, Mary Trapani Hynes had a couple of suggestions for the Council of Toronto on how to save money. Close all the libraries. Streetcars and busses? Axe them. TCHC, social services, government access? Cut. It. All. A city of people who can take care of themselves need none of these things.

The Swiftian speech immediately lit up the room, and has since been shared on YouTube, the Toronto Star, and streamed on As It Happens.

With cheers of support on Twitter she briefly became known as #yellygranny (a tag the author of this post also participated in), though that’s not a name Hynes, a retired educator, prefers to go by. “I don’t use Twitter but I heard of the tag,” she told OpenFile last evening after a trip to Shoppers Drug Mart for Seniors Wednesday. “I can see why it would catch on, but it’s not very nice.” In addition to chairing the Older Women’s Network, an advocacy group for mid-life women living in Ontario, Hynes has run as an NDP candidate for Don Valley East three times in the past five years.

The deputation, which Hynes was kind enough to share the text of below, is her fourth in two weeks. She spoke July 27 to the Planning and Growth Management Committee about the Mayor’s Tower Renewal; July 20 to the Community Development and Recreation Committee on behalf of the Older Women’s Network at; and July 21 to the Parks and Environment Committee on senior issues. With the exception of July 20, she stresses that she was speaking as an individual.

The first three deputations, one of which is available online, are just as clear and impassioned but completely satire-free.

“There was no way I was going to be able in 3 to 5 minutes to say everything,” Hynes says when asked about the style choice for her final deputation—at least till September. “I knew everyone else was going to defend 2 or 3 things that was important to them. They would make very good arguments to save something. But there’s so many things that need saving. I wasn’t going to get up and do a Sophie’s Choice.”

Some Modest Proposals

I’m a senior, live in North York and have some modest proposals.

First, the library. You’ve made a good start with closing the Metro branch. Don’t stop there. You should get rid of the entire public library system. As you can see from the thousands of petitions and emails complaining about proposed service cuts, far too many people use the library to improve literacy and to learn about government and politics. You would save millions.

While you’re at it, get rid of the City’s website information on how Toronto city government works and on how to access the city. You would save millions.

We should privatize TCHC and eliminate any funding for housing support—or any social services. If people can’t afford to live in Toronto, let them get another job or leave. It shouldn’t be the city’s responsibility to look after ne’er do wells. I’m not my brother’s keeper (or my sister’s). You would save billions.

Get rid of all the buses and streetcars. Make room for more cars. The war on cars needs to end. Again savings in the billions.

Anyone who doesn’t want to live in a city without public transit or public libraries or social services, anyone who can’t manage without buses or streetcars or whose health deteriorates with increased auto pollution can just leave.

Those residents that remain in Toronto will be those able to look after their own needs and there will be less need for government services. More money saved.

And—win, win—your government can give them a rebate on their property taxes from the savings.

—Mary Trapani Hynes